Sunday, April 27, 2014

I'm Here

Seeing you just lying there
Afraid, adrift, alone
I long to sit beside you
& hold you till it's gone

Stroke your face
Embrace your heart
Rock you off to sleep
Safe from all your demons
And always mine to keep

Draw strength from me
Take all I have
Assured that I have more
I'll be your guiding lighthouse
To bring you safe to shore

I'll take your fears and worries
Don't fret, my arms are strong
Try not to be so scared now
I've been here all along.

(written by Donna Roucoulet, 4/26/14)

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Dreaming of the Future


 Maybe it's the blooming of Spring, but something has me feeling restless these days.  I don't know quite how to explain it.  Sometimes I feel like I just want to jump out of my skin, other times I want to run away, and still other times it's just an unfocused energy.  It's almost like when my kids have "ants in their pants" and can't sit still - that's what I feel like.  Whatever is causing it, I wish it would stop.  It's not the most comfortable of feelings at all.

     Do you ever have days where you are constantly thinking backwards?  Thinking of people or events in your past that you miss in some way?  I do, far too often.  They come to me in my dreams too.  I can't control that at all, but it does make me wonder why.  I can go months or years without thinking of something, or someone, and all of a sudden, they are in my dreams at night.  That happened recently, and this time it wasn't as unnerving as usual.  I had a dream, and someone appeared in it - completely out of any context we ever were associated together in (I was dreaming we were in a school class together, and we didn't know each other in school at all.)  Thanks to the wonders of the internet & Facebook, we are still friends & occasionally "talk" online.  My curiosity was peaked as to why I dreamt of them, so I thought I'd check in.  I just sent a quick little note, like "hey, how are you, thinking of you".  What happened afterwards was great, and I'm still thinking about it days later.

     My friend has ups and downs, just like anyone else.  I happened to have messaged during a down day, and we ended up chatting for a good long while.  Nothing extraordinary, nothing profound really - just chatting, remembering.  We did come to the realization that we've been friends for close to THIRTY years (don't do the math, I keep trying to forget that part, LOL.)  And remember, we didn't go to school together at all, so to me, it's been a long time, in our adult lives, that we've known each other.  And yes, I still remember details like birthdays, middle names, addresses (though I'm sure THAT is not the same) - which goes to show you that either I am a little strange (or a lot strange), or this person has always been important to me.  I don't think they knew that until we had our chat the other day, but I do hope they remember it now.  No matter what is going on in our individual lives, or how far apart we may be, I think of my friend.  Often.  I remember many things we did together as foolish 18-19 year olds.  I still have pictures in my albums of us together too.
     I was also reminded of how this friend encouraged me - in my writing, in my life.  Told me things I needed to hear, even if I didn't like them, or didn't really listen to them at the time.  Maybe I should have listened more.  I may have helped them with a rough day, but it helped me too.  It brought back memories of when I had more ambition, when I wanted to do more with myself.  I may not have done it then, but it's never too late.  It may have not been the easiest route to where I am, but I wouldn't change the journey at all.  If one small thing had changed, so many bigger things might have.  I may not have had the awesome children I have.  Who knows what would have been different?  So, I'm glad I went the path that I did.  I hope my friend is too.  But I am very glad we reconnected, even if it was only in that one moment.  I like to think we plan on staying in closer contact, but that remains to be seen.  

     One thing I do know, is that I don't want to "waste" more time in my life.  I haven't had any real ambition for a very long time.  I do my mom thing, and I love that.  I LOVE that I am ABLE to do that.  But I also feel somewhat unaccomplished in so many ways.  I am almost 46 years old, and what can I say about myself?  I'm a wife of almost 20 years.  I've been a mom for 25 years, of four fabulous kids (some not so "kiddish" any more.)  I write here - but not often enough. I run my own small business with The Gourmet Cupboard.   Is that enough?  Should I do more?  And if so, what?  I think it's time to find out what I want to do when I grow up.  I think it's horrible that I still don't know.  And I don't know how, or where, to start.  So, if you're reading this, I'm taking suggestions on where to begin to finally find out what I want to do.  How did you decide that you wanted to do what you are doing?  Did you just fall into it, like I did?  Or did you have a goal, like my daughter who is in college studying psychology?  Am I just having a mid-life crisis, and if so, how do you survive one?  Or should I just run off and join the circus?  I'm open to suggestions, really.